Wanna know what it’s like ridin’ the tallest, fastest roller coaster in the world?
I can tell y’all first hand ‘cause I have – it’s major, major awesome! Talk about scaldin’ azz straight up into the sky!
Okay, okay, I know I’m gettin’ a little ahead of myself here, so let’s start at the beginning. First, I guess I should tell everyone that I’m a major thrill ride junkie. The faster, the taller, the more extreme it is the more I love riding it. For me, there’s nothing like that raw fear you get when you stare at some super tall coaster or some other type thrill ride. Then, when you actually get on that ride and wait for it to start……well, talk about that “sundown at OK Corral feeling!” And finally, after you both ride and defeat it, talk about some major adrenaline kickin’ in! After I ride a mega hyper-ride it makes me want to find a handy motel and do the mattress tango with……..ummmm, okay, I don’t think I even need to go there. Y’all get the general picture, just suffice it to say that I’m a major thrill ride junkie!
Of course, with that being said, any real thrill rides junkie worth his/her salt is going to want to ride the baddest roller coaster in the world. And the baddest roller coasters are generally considered to be the ones that are either the tallest, the fastest, or a combination of the two. The good news is that right now, as of this writing, there’s one roller coaster that’s both the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world. It’s called “Kingda Ka”, and is located at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey.
I first read about this coaster back when they were building it in 2005, and it literally made me wanna lick my chops. On Kingda Ka, you’re taken out on a stretch of track that’s roughly two hundred yards long. As you wait in your train, a catch car mechanism slides underneath it and clicks. Then, when the signal is given, the catch car pulls the train down the track at a rate of zero to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds! It’s a “crack the whip” type deal, and is the same-type technology that’s used to launch jets from aircraft carriers.
Sounds pretty awesome, huh? It gets even better. Once the train gets to the end of that 200 yards of track, it turns straight upwards and soars up a 456 foot hill! That’s right, a 456 foot high hill, a 46 story hill if you will. Once it crests this hill, the train goes straight down through one very narrow corkscrew turn, levels out, goes up a second, smaller hill (130 feet), and then encounters the magnetic braking fins just as it crosses over the top. These fins cause the train to slow to a crawl, and after a few more yards of track it gently rolls back into the station. Time elapsed from launch back into the station? Twenty-eight seconds, and let me tell y’all, it’s an intense twenty-eight!
With stats like that, I had to ride it, so a coupla years ago I flew up to Philadelphia, got a rental car, and promptly headed over to Six Flags Great Adventure! Talk about bein’ mega hyped, I was dying to see this huge coaster that everyone was buzzin’ about. Didn’t take very long to see it, either. Turns out that once I got within about twenty miles of the park, I looked over and saw “it” – the huge 456 foot green tower that defines the Kingda Ka ride. To be honest, I kinda sucked my breath in when I did, ‘cause I knew that if I could see it from twenty miles out that this was one huge hill, one that was definitely going to cause my mouth to gape wide open when I saw it up really, really close…..
….which happened about fifteen minutes later. I pulled through the entrance of Six Flags Great Adventure, and there, over to my left, was this monstrous roller coaster tower/hill. Kingda Ka’s hill is so tall that there are FAA approved lights on it because anything 300 feet tall or larger has to have lighting so that low flying aircraft don’t smack into it at night. I gawked, pulled my car into a space and parked it, and it just so happened that I parked it right next to a car that contained two gents from Australia. I knew they were from Australia when one of them got out and said,
“Allo’ mate. Me and my friend here are from Australia, taking a week to ride all the major rides in the states.”
After my newly minted Australian friend said that, we all looked over at the Kingda Ka tower. As we collectively gaped, the second Australian said, “Mate, that’ll make you suck your bloomers up right through the nether opening, now won’t it?”
I had to agree with him. I won’t lie to y’all, I was starting to wondering why in this hell I’d even consider getting on something like this. To say I was scared was an understatement, I’d have rather sniffed a four foot wide heiny with diahrrea than to ride it. But, I realized that I’d just made a very long trip just to ride Kingda Ka, so I motivated myself by thinking that I could endure anything for 28 seconds. Well, almost anything, maybe I couldn’t withstand a large grizzly bear swatting at me for that long, but still…..
Fortunately, I’d purchased tickets online, so after bidding the Aussies farewell I walked right into the gate, hung a left, and then headed straight over towards Kingda Ka. After winding around a few turns and trails, I finally made my way to the Golden Kingdom – the themed area of Six Flags Great Adventure where Kingda Ka is located.
As y’all might surmise, Kingda Ka is THE attraction at Six Flags Great Adventure. People from all over the world want to ride the tallest, fastest roller coaster there is. This was proven out as even though I got into the park right as it opened, and even though I immediately went over to Kingda Ka, I still found myself in a line that had to be a good several hundred feet long. It winded straight into a locker room area, where you had to take off any jewelry, glasses, caps, or anything else “loose” that you had on. It’s not even a good idea to have contact lenses in when you ride Kingda Ka, as 128 mph blows them right out of your eyeballs. Once I got to these lockers, I peeled off my glasses and car keys and dropped them into one. Then, I got back in line, which then moves around a pavilion and positions you just twenty yards or so from the station where Kingda Ka is launched.
Because Kingda Ka is launched rather than pulled up a lift hill, the loading procedure is a bit different. Once you enter the station, you pick one of two sides to board your train from. And, on either of those sides there are two queues to choose from. Bottom line, two trains load from each side, and then a switching track mechanism goes from one side to the other. When it gets over to one of the sides, both trains roll out onto the track. Then, train #1 gets launched, and as soon as it’s back in the station, train #2 gets launched. Then it switches over to the other side and launches those two trains, and so on it goes.
It took me another hour and a half of line waiting to actually get into the station, and as I creaked my way closer I noticed a unique phenomenon – at least six or seven people quit the line. I heard several of them mutter as they walked by, “No way I’m gettin’ on that SOB, you’d have to be insane to ride it,” or, “It’s just too damn fast for my heart.” There was even one young woman who loudly said, “No piss would be left inside me by the time I got off it, I’m not embarrassing myself for no ride!” They were all terrified to get on Kingda Ka!
There was reason for them to be. At this point, you could clearly see the launches, and man, talk about mega acceleration. When a train is ready for launching, a pre-recorded voice says,
“Arms down. Head back. Hold on!”
Very soon after, you’ll hear an air compressor softly “whooshing.” And when that happens, hold onto your azz as your train about to be launched in 3 to 4 seconds! And after those 3 or 4 seconds, your train will start scalding down the track, where that 128 mph helps build the momentum needed to get it up and down a 456 foot hill.
I watched that happen over and over again as I waited. And I won’t lie to y’all, my rectum was so tight that I couldn’t have gotten a sheet of paper between the cheeks of my two twin pink apples if I’d tried. After watching multiple launches, I finally found myself smack dab in the middle of the station itself. I picked the queue for the orange train (there’s also a blue, green, and one other colored train I can’t remember), in fact, I not only got in line for it, I got in line for the front row seat! I figured if I was going to ride Kingda Ka, I was going to do it where I’d live single moment of it. Even if doing so killed me or caused me to suck up my shorts through…..well, never mind.
At this point, I’m thinking, “I’m actually in line for Kingda Ka. On the front row, too. Am I a damned ‘tard?” I’ll freely admit, I was so scared that I started counting the people lined up in front of me. When I first got in the queue, I was fourteenth from the front, which meant that I had a good while before I’d be boarding my train. But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum – between watching all the launches and other people’s reactions I got to the front of my line pretty quickly. As I got closer, I watched one young woman seriously praying in her seat, I saw young men trying to act macho even though I could sense their fear, and I even witnessed one middle-aged woman wondering aloud if her bra would keep her “contained” during the launch. Finally, in the midst of all this intense emotion, I found myself about to board the train. My train. Two hours and thirty minutes after I’d first gotten in line. It was with serious trepidation that I did so. Ever notice the finality with a roller coaster? Once you get in it and get secured, that’s it. Your azz is going, no ifs, ands, or buts.
Mine sure was. On Kingda Ka, they utilize a shoulder restraint that’s hydraulically operated, which means it literally locks itself onto you based on your body’s contours, not due to pre-set levels or anything. Along with this harness is a huge roll bar, probably the thickest one I’ve ever seen. When they secured all that stuff onto me in my train seat, I found that I was absolutely pinned in. Other than breathing I couldn’t do much else. I kinda found it all a bit much, so I said to my teenaged ride attendant, “Isn’t this just a bit tight, my man?”
His monotone response was, “Sir, in about thirty seconds you’re going to understand why.”
Ulp.
I sat there and waiting for the track mechanism to switch over to my side. I wouldn’t even allow myself to look at the tower yet, but I wasn’t very concerned about missing it, though. I was about to be rolled out right out in front of it. Soon.
Soon came soon, too, as I heard a slight whirring, and then along came the switching mechanism over to my side. As soon as it locked in, my train started slowly rolling out onto the main track. Many in the main station cheered, although what they were cheering about was a mystery to me. I couldn’t have been more scared if I’d known there was a thirty foot reticulated python hiding out in my house somewhere. And there was good reason to be, as we rode out on that long main section of track, the two hundred some odd yard stretch that led to that Godzillian sized hill.
I sat there, looked up at it, and swallowed. All my fear kinda bubbled up, and then my brain started talking to me. “Look, bud. There’s nothing we can do now, our azz is stuck, you dumb schitt. Just mellow out, it’ll be over with about as soon as it starts.”
Truer words were never spoken, cause as soon as those thoughts passed through my mind, the words, “Arms down. Head back. Hold on!” rang out over the ride’s PA speaker. I then heard the soft “whoosh” of an air compressor. And suddenly……..
WHAM! My train took off like a scalded dog down the track, the rate of acceleration was incredible! What was even more amazing was that the train kept accelerating faster and faster, by the time it got to the end of the two hundred or so yard stretch of track it was vibrating from the speeds involved. And about this moment my brain kicked in and said, “We’re this machine’s bitch, so we may as well go with it and enjoy the ride.” And that’s exactly what I did.
The nose of the train then quickly turned upwards, and I found myself staring straight up into the sky! It was so beautiful and fast that it was almost surreal – then, before I could take another breath, we were on top of the tower, 456 feet up in the air!
I really thought I’d be scared out of my mind over this, but the strangest thing happened. I don’t know if it was due to the speed involved, or due to my mind’s processing of what was going on, but it was so peaceful and serene right then, like I was floating up in heaven or something. Even when the train nosed over the side and I looked downwards, I never was really afraid. It was actually kinda beautiful – she nose-dived over the top, plunged straight down, and even though it was like a rocket sled it was also very peaceful and exhilarating all at the same time. Then, she nosed up a much smaller 130 foot hill, and as soon as she went over the top of it she encountered the magnetic fins in the track, and in a few seconds she slowed to a crawl and headed back into the station.
Man, I was so pumped! Everyone in the station applauded as we came in, I’ve never experienced that on any thrill ride I’ve ever been on before! Of course, as we pulled in and stopped, the J. R. Ewing in me came to the surface. I looked to my left and saw the very concerned faces of the couple about to get in the front row seats that I was currently occupying, two teenagers. The young man looked at me and said, “Sir, how bad was it?” I quickly and deftly replied, “It’s even worse than you think it is. I’d get out of this damn line and go ride something else. Save yourself.”
Okay, I know some of y’all will say that this was mean, but the truth is that I set this young man up to be a god. Think about it. There’s no way he was going to get out of line, not with this girlfriend there with him, so because of what I did he now has a much better story to tell his friends. “Yeah man, I rode Kingda Ka, some old dude even told me not to get on it, that it was really bad, but I rode the (insert appropriate cuss word here) anyway!” Not only that, but think of how much cooler he became to his girlfriend. Between that and the adrenaline they picked up from the ride, I’ll bet every Dallas DVD I own that KK wasn’t the only thing he ended up riding that day. Hey, I deserve kudos for this, not azz kicks.
So folks, that’s what riding Kingda Ka is all about. I’ll bet anything that many of y’all are thinking that you need to hightail it on over to Six Flags Great Adventure and find out for yourselves. You should. Just know that it’ll scare the hell out of you to look at it, that the fear will intensify as you wait in line, but the ride itself is definitely the sweetest, sweetest thing you can ever imagine. Is it even better than sex? Well, depending on the quality/expertise of your partner, it might well possibly maybe be!
